Play Twenty Questions: Question 5

anniversary header 2013 copy

 Enjoy these answers from a host of authors in multiple genres, from YA to mystery to romance — then enter the Rafflecopter below for a chance to win a $100 Amazon or BN GC and more!

2013 Anniversary NON Questions 5
Tasarla Romaney I love knock knock jokes and have tons. I drive my kiddos insane with them… but here’s one of my favorites.
Knock, Knock!
Who’s there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, cows go moo!

Ash Krafton What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh!

Linda Palmer I can’t remember a joke for five seconds, so I don’t have one.

Debra St. John What’s black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white?

A penguin rolling down a hill.

Kaylie Newell A man hears a knock on his door. He answers it to find no one there. He looks down and sees a snail on the doorstep. Hating snails, he picks it up and throws it across the street. Three days later, he hears a knock again. He answers it and looks down at the snail again.

The snail says, “What the hell’s your problem?”

Judy Alter Maxine: I’ve reached the age where sometimes my train of thought leaves the station without me.

Linda Rettstatt The joke was on me when my friend gave me a birthday card with a fake scratch-off lotter ticket and let me think I’d won ten thousand dollars. The better joke, though, was my revenge when she planned a trip to visit me and to go to the local casinos. I told her they were closing the same day she was to arrive because of the economy being so bad and sent a fake newspaper article to that effect. When her plane landed, she insisted I drive her directly to the casino to play before they closed.

Maeve Greyson My nine year old granddaughter’s knock knock jokes. I’m sorry but she wouldn’t give me permission to share them here. Copyright issues, you understand. 😉

Niecey roy Hm, I don’t tell jokes. And most of the jokes I have heard are Polish jokes (because I’m Polish on my dad’s side). Jokes like “How many Pollocks does it take to change a light bulb?” Lame, I know. Ha!

Tess Morrison That my ex-husband works in a hamburger stand at a flea market.

Jana Richards Why does it take 10 women with PMS to screw in a light bulb? It just does, okay?

Tina Pollick I honestly don’t know a lot of jokes, but I remember when my kids were little a neighbor came over and told my oldest a joke and she thought it was the funniest thing ever.

‘Look up, look down, your pants are falling down.’

Hmm, note to self- keep her away from the neighbor boy. 🙂

Debra Doggett I am the world’s worst joke teller so people usually don’t even bother telling them to me. Except for my son-in-law, who tells me ones I can’t pass on cause they are X-rated. But my sister and I use to have a routine as kids that went: Did you take a bath today? No, why is one missing? That’s what passed for humor in my house. It was a tough childhood.

Nia Simone I can never remember them. I’m sorry. My sister is the funny one in our family. She used to be President of the Joke of the Day Club at the company where she worked.

Zoe Forward A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary hospital. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the Vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m so sorry, Polly has passed
away.”

The distressed owner wailed, “Are you sure? I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”

The vet turned and left the room returning a few moments later with beautiful black Labrador. As the bird’s owner looked on in amazement as the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet led the dog out but returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry; but your parrot is most definitely, 100% certifiably …dead.”

He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The parrot’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried. “$150 just to tell me my bird is dead?”

The vet explained, “My exam was $20. The Lab Report was $65 and the Cat Scan was $65.”

Virginia Crane What did the one cigarette say to the other cigarette?

Hope I don’t get lit tonight and make an ash out of myself.

Graeme Brown A man walks into a bar…

OUCH!

Nancy Fraser This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looks like a nice place, and he takes a seat at the bar. “This is a nice place. I’ve never been here before,” he says to the guy next to him.

“Oh, really?” the other replies. “It is a nice place. It’s also a very special bar.”

“Why is that?” the first guy asks.

“Well, do you see that painting on the far wall? That’s an original Van Gogh, and this stool I’m sitting on was on the Titanic.”

“Gee, that’s amazing!” says the first guy.

“Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you’ll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you’re pushed back up.”

“No way! That’s impossible,” the guy scoffs.

“Not at all. Take a look,” the other man replies, and with that he walks over to the window and opens it. He climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10… 20… 30… 40…50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh — he comes right back up and sails back through the window. “See? It’s fun. You should try it,” he says.

“Try it? I don’t even believe I saw it!” the first man shouts.

“It’s easy. Watch, I’ll do it again.” And with that, he falls out the window again. He drops 10… 20… 30… 40… 50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh — he comes right back up and sails back through the window. “Give it a try. It’s a blast,” he says.

“Well, what the heck, I’ll give it a try,” the first man says, and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10… 20… 30… 40… 50…60…70…80…90… 100 feet and splat — he ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk.

After watching this, the second guy casually closes the window, heads back to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says, “You know, Superman, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk.”

Jeanette Baker I’m so terrible at joke telling or joke remembering. But I LOVE jokes that have to do with old ladies who are friends for a lifetime. I don’t like mother-in-law jokes or ethnic jokes or handicapped jokes.

Kim Hornsby My funny hubby told a good one at a dinner party last night. He’s the joke teller, not me. I suck.
But this one usually gets a laugh with the kids.
Me: Knock knock
You: Who’s there?
Me: Interrupting Cow
You: Interrup…
Me: Moo

Juliet Waldron I like sight gags, which are bit difficult to write about. One of our favorites–my husband and I–happens when we ride in full regalia into a crowded parking lot on our superbike. All the young tough guys turn to “check it out” and watch us dismount. Then, we take off our helmets–and you should see the jaws drop. Two old gray hairs riding THAT BIKE?! We grin back and then everyone laughs. It’s kind of at us and with us, all at the same time.

Mary Jo Burke What’s black and white, black and white, and green all over? Two raccoons fighting over a pickle.

Willa Blair I have a wacky sense of humor, but I can’t tell a joke to save my life, so I don’t remember them, either. Un-favorites would include cruel jokes, and knock-knock jokes.

Lynda J Cox Did you hear about the collie who had a puppy sired by a watermelon?

It was just a little melon-collie.

Elaine Violette Too many jokes, so little time. Being simple minded, I still love the knock,knock jokes.
Knock, Knock!
Who’s there?
Ima.
Ima who?
Ima psychiatrist. I’m here ’cause you won’t open up!

Lynda Coker The one my five-year-old granddaughter recites with enthusiasm. She tells it with such wicked delight that I can’t help but laugh.

“Granny, you know how to get out of the stomach of an elephant? You jump up and down until you get pooped out.”

Brenda Gayle You say: Ask me what’s the secret to good comedy.
They say: What’s the sec–
You say: TIMING!

Maryann Miller One of my favorite jokes is one that I found recently and unfortunately can relate to way too much.

An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes.

When they get home, the wife says, “Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won’t forget?”

“Nonsense,” says the husband, “I can remember a dish of ice cream.”

“Well,” says the wife, “I’d also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it.”

“My memory’s not all that bad,” says the husband. “No problem — a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don’t need to write it down.”

He goes into the kitchen; his wife hears pots and pans banging around. The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs.

She looks at the plate and asks, “Hey, where’s the toast I asked for?”

Mary Hughes I love music jokes. There are a ton to choose from but here’s one (picked because I’m a flutist, so the joke’s on me): What’s the difference between a flutist and a seamstress? A seamstress tucks the frills.

I won’t say what flutists do to the trills 🙂

Lynn Crandall I love to laugh and a good joke is priceless. This joke is an oldie but goody:

A young man had been dating a young lady for a while and thought they were ready to take things to the “next level.” He prepared for that by shopping for condoms at the local pharmacy. The pharmacist assisted him in his selection. That night, he had dinner with the young lady and her family. Her father asked him to say a prayer before the meal. He prayed, and prayed, and prayed. Finally he said, “Amen,” and the young lady leaned close to him and said,” I didn’t know you were so religious.” He replied, “I didn’t your father was a pharmacist.”

Barbara Meyers Two peanuts were walking through the park and one was a salted.

Carol Henry Don’t really have a favorite—there are too many out there to enjoy. I’m not good at telling jokes, but I love to hear or read them, as long as they don’t hurt other people’s feelings, or put them down, or are overly political.

Robin Renee Ray You know why women have NO depth perception? Why we keep hitting curbs and such? Because from the beginning of time we have been told the length of a man’s thumb is twelve inches!!! ; )

Joya Fields My mom gets credit for this one: My boyfriend and I were in the front seat of his parked car. He slid an arm around my shoulders and whispered, “Why don’t we get into the back seat?”
“No thanks,” I said. “I’d rather stay up here with you.

Annette Bower A prince goes up to a king and says, “I’m perfect and beautiful and I’d like to marry a prefect and beautiful wife.”
The King says, “I think my youngest daughter would be perfect for you.”
They go out and the next day the king says, “Well how is she?”
The prince says, “She’s just a wee bit pigeon toed, not so much that you’d notice, just a wee bit pigeon toed.”
The King said, “Then perhaps my second daughter is right for you.”
They go out and the next day the king says, “Well how is she?”
The Prince says, “She is just a wee bit cross eyed, not so much that you’d notice, just a wee bit cross eyed.”
The King said, “There is my eldest daughter.”
They went out and the King said, “Well how is she?”
The Prince said, “She’s perfect and beautiful. We will get married and have a perfect and beautiful wedding, a perfect and beautiful life and a perfect and beautiful child.”
When the baby was born, the prince said, “I don’t understand. I’m perfect and beautiful, she’s perfect and beautiful and look at this baby, it’s not perfect and beautiful.”
The king said, “When you married my daughter, she was just a wee bit pregnant, not so much that you’d notice mind you but just a wee bit pregnant.”

Patty Campbell The crusty waiter in the Jewish deli is asked by a snob: “How do you prepare your chicken?”
The waiter answers: “First we tell them they’re gonna to die.”

Genie Gabriel Question: What goes thump, thump, thump, squish?
Answer: An elephant with one wet tennis shoe.

Pamela S Thibodeaux Clotile & Marie were sitting on the roof during a flood waiting on rescue when Marie said… “Clotile what is that hat floating back and forth, back and forth?”

“Ah that’s Boudreaux…I told him he was going to cut grass come hell or high water.”

Elysa Hendricks An elderly woman lost her husband of 60 years. Feeling depressed she decides to kill herself with his gun, but not wanting to shoot and not die, she calls her doctor to find out where her heart is located.

The doctor tells her it’s just below her left breast.

The next day the woman is admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.

Allie Boniface A blind man walks into a bar. Suddenly he picks up his seeing-eye dog and starts swinging the animal over his head. The bartender asks, “Sir, can I help you?” The man responds, “No thanks. Just looking around”

Kate Robbins Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Dwain.

Dwain who?

Dwain the bathtub! I’m dwowning!

Bahahahaahaha. Ahem. 🙂

Liana Laverentz I only know one, and I can’t repeat it here.

Ryshia Kennie I don’t have a favourite joke. Jokes to me are in the moment – I get a chuckle out of them, maybe share one or two, and then I forget them. So instead of a joke I’ll share what is more a myth but it’s a funny kind of reminder to keep it simple.

When NASA discovered a ballpoint pen wouldn’t work in space they spent millions of dollars creating a writing instrument that would write in any condition from zero gravity to upside down to sub-zero temperatures.

And the Russians – they used a pencil.

Troy Lambert The bartender says: we don’t serve time travelers here. A time traveler walks into a bar.

Jane Toombs This ribbon salesman named Goldberg made regular visits to a buyer who never bought anything from him. But one day, the guy says says to him , “Goldberg, tell you what I’m gonna do. I’ll buy enough ribbon to reach from the end of your nose to the tip of your penis.

Goldberg thanks him and leaves.

The next day the guy calls him.'”Goldberg, there are tractor-tailor loads of ribbon coming into in my warehouse. Whay’s going on?

Goldberg says, “We’re here in America and so my nose is here, too. But the tip of my penis is in Poland.”

Jaleta Clegg  It’s stupid but I’m an expert in stupid jokes. I spent too many years working with kids and dealing with my own.

Why did the cockroach cross the road?
Cause he was stapled to a chicken.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the freaky farmer who was stapling cockroaches to chickens.

Beth Trissel One played on someone else.

Helena Fairfax A woman walks into a bar and asks for a Double Entendre, so the barman gives her one.

Kelly Whitley What kind of teeth can you buy for a dollar?
Buck teeth!
Pretty much the cleanest one I know.

Paty Jager Telling our kids that my husband and I are going to make them a calendar with us doing farm activities naked. And give it to them for Christmas!

Linda McMaken Three cowboys sit around a campfire bragging about being tough.

The first one says, “I am the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men. I wrestled that SOB to the ground with my bare hands.”

The second cowboy laughs, “I come across a rattler on the trail grabbed it round the neck and bit its head off. I drank that venom down in one gulp, and I’m still here.”

The third cowboy doesn’t say a word, he just slowly stirs the embers with his penis.

Penny Estelle A woman’s car breaks down and an old pickup truck with an old Indian lady driving picks her up. The Indian asks “What’s in the brown paper bag?” Woman – “I got a bottle of wine for my husband” Indian – “Good trade.”

Shirley Martin I can’t think of any favorites, but I love to laugh. I enjoyed the funny programs of the ’50s, such as “I Love Lucy.” My favorite funny program was “The Honeymooners.”

Amy Corwin: The two hikers and the bear…you know:
Two guys are hiking through the forest when a grizzly bear charges them. One of the guys drops his pack and pulls out his running shoes.
“What are you doing?” the second guy asks, sweating profusely. “You can’t honestly think those running shoes will let you run faster than that bear!”
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear,” the first guy say. “I just have to run faster than you.”
hahahahahahha (insanely laughing)

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Comments

  1. loved the jokes. Started my day off really nicely.

  2. Nancy Fraser’s joke was hilarious! I had to stop reading because I had to close my eyes from laughing so hard!

  3. Nancy Fraser’s Superman joke. I almost choked on my cereal when reading that one. ::snort::

  4. Lynn Crandel you made me laugh, but Ryshia Kennie had me laugh out loud at 4am. LOL! Great jokes you guys! This was awesome.

  5. Loved the Superman joke! Good one, Nancy Fraser.

  6. Karen H in NC says:

    I loved this one by Jana Richards Why does it take 10 women with PMS to screw in a light bulb? It just does, okay?

  7. Amy Foley says:

    Great read…”dwain the bathtub”…lol…good one Kate 😉

  8. All the jokes were funny!

  9. Maeve Grayson’s “copyright issues” remark made me smile!

  10. Tasarla Romaney was cute and I love cows!

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